Lately, I’ve taken a break from life, only doing the bare essentials. Less time on social media, more time outside, or lying on the couch thinking.
Why have I done this?
To think about what’s going on deep inside of me.
To audit my soul.
As I’ve been auditing my soul – taking stock, seeing what’s really going on inside of me – I’ve realised that for a lot of my life I’ve edited my soul – cut out pieces of it that are important because life delivered the message that they don’t matter.
We’ve had some blisteringly hot weather lately and our reservoir has been a life-saver. Treading water on one of the hot days, I was overcome by the beauty that surrounded me – the greenness after the rain, beautiful sky, cool water, peace.
But my peace was disrupted by a jarring, ugly thought: don’t enjoy it too much; it won’t last.
Where did that come from?
From deep in my soul.
It’s often in the quiet, beautiful moments that “truth” rises to the surface. The “truth” we really believe in our hearts, not our heads.
Time to skim it from the surface and examine it.
Some warped “truths” became part of my back story a long time ago:
Don’t enjoy anything too much. If it doesn’t work out you’ll be hurt. Besides, you’re not worth it anyway. Nobody cares about your heart.
If I shut down my feelings I wouldn’t face the risk of being disappointed when I didn’t get what I’d hoped for.
I edited my soul.
The problem with editing my soul is that I’ve sliced out a lot of the joy God wants to give me – enjoying beautiful moments and innocent pleasures. I’ve shut down my needs and I’ve denied myself feeling deeply.
And I have lost.
Recently Richard and I heard the aching words of a man in his 40’s:
My life is worth nothing. I wish I could curse the day of my birth and be undone. I see no use for me on this earth. I am ready to give up on life.
These are the “truths” of a wounded soul. A soul edited of its value and joy by beliefs absorbed from life’s circumstances.
Do you know what your “truths” are?
Maybe it’s time to be still and do a soul audit, to think deeply, and to ask God some questions:
Bring whatever rises to the surface to God to be kept or cast away as He sees fit. Break the agreements you may have made with those “truths”, and then enter into the joy that God has in store for you.
Agreements are subtle convictions we come to or are raised to assume are true. They happen deep in our souls where our real beliefs about life are formed.
Something or someone says to us, Your life is not worth anything, or Don’t even bother, it’s not going to work out. And something in us responds, That’s true. A conviction is formed and we agree with it.
Continuing to live by these agreements based on error only brings misery and loss. We have to break those agreements, those convictions.
“God, forgive me for making the agreement that I don’t matter. I renounce that agreement now.”
“Lord, come and heal my heart. Come into the memory (the incident that taught you this “truth”) and remove the pain.” If you don’t know where this agreement came from, ask God to show you.
Choose to make an agreement (accept as true) with His truth regardless of how you feel.
“Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed” (John 20:29)
God offers you and me the joy that comes from believing His truth about our lives.
“These things have I spoken unto you, that My joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.” John 15:11
I believe that God wants me to fully enjoy the beautiful moments He gives me. I’m going to work on allowing myself to truly feel and enjoy His blessings, without fearing that they won’t last.
What do you need to work on?
Have you edited your soul? What agreements have you made?