Have you lost the intimacy in your marriage and want to bring it back?
Do you take each other for granted and long for the closeness you once had?
Do you have a level of intimacy but long for more?
Absolutely!
What is intimacy?
According to google it is close familiarity or friendship. Something personal or private.
Marriage was meant to be a place of knowing and being known β like no other knows or is known. A place of friendship and close familiarity.
Achieving intimacy was easy before you got married. You talked, did stuff together and spent as much time together as possible. Once you got married real life kicked in, kids arrived, and life got so busy that your relationship took a back seat.
That can change!
Intimacy in marriage is not accidental. It takes intentional attention. You can choose to regain your intimacy.
Here are four things you can do as a couple to regain or maintain intimacy.
There are many benefits to playing β no matter what age you are. It relieves stress, relaxes, and energizes you. It deepens your relationship as a couple and makes it easier to connect. It keeps your relationship strong and healthy and fresh.
βPlay is an antidote to the important responsibilities of adulthood.β β Ester Perel
Last summer Richard and I went to the beach. Iβm a ninny when it comes to cold water, but that day I decided to swim (heβll swim almost anytime J). The waves were small, and we didnβt do anything fancy, we just played β catching the small waves, hanging onto each other, laughing, splashing. It felt great. We felt young, energized, and relaxed. We also felt closer as a couple.
Play can take many forms.
Individual activities like watching TV or being on the internet donβt build connection like playing together does, so they donβt count.
Check out this page for great ideas for playing as a couple:
Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. When communication falls flat, relational satisfaction drops.
So make time to talk to your spouse. Skip the weather report and talk about meaningful topics. Talk about your insecurities, your childhood, vivid memories, inside jokes. See things that happy couples talk about.
Psychological Science states that well-being is related to having less small talk and more substantive conversations.
Revive this part of your relationship by using this FREE conversation starter for couples. Choose three topics/questions and find a time to talk. It can be while youβre driving, bathing together, or in the evening when the kids are in bed.
Great communication comes with practice. It takes honesty, vulnerability, and time. Great communication also consists of listening well.
Talking about small things will prepare the way for you to talk about the trouble spots in your relationship:
Keep the lines of communication open and your intimacy will grow.
Related: 2 Ways to Improve your Communication Skills
βIn a recent poll from Gallup it was revealed that βamong married couples who attend church together regularly, the divorce rate is one out of two. That is the same statistic for marriages outside the church. However, among married couples who pray together daily, the divorce rate drops to one out of 1,153.ββ [i]
Spiritual closeness is underestimated. Praying together will not only draw you closer to God as a couple, but it will draw you closer to each other.
Praying together softens angry feelings, and helps you find ways of resolving conflict.
Praying together reminds you that you are on the same side.
It creates emotional intimacy when we pray our true desires. It gives your spouse a glimpse of what goes on inside of you.
Praying aloud with your spouse may feel awkward at first. Thatβs ok. Do it anyway. Make it short if you need to or take turns to pray a sentence.
Here are some things to pray about as a couple:
Being spiritually intimate β sharing your thoughts and feelings about where you are at spiritually β will draw you close and increase both your emotional and physical intimacy.
If your spouse is not a believer or refuses to pray with you, then pray for them. Give your spouse to God to be influenced by Him in the way He sees best. Forcing spirituality on an unwilling partner will only make matters worse.
Be sure to keep showing your spouse how much you care and do not appear spiritually superior. (I once spoke to a lady who wanted her husband to become more spiritual and attend church with her. She had told him, βWe both know that I am spiritually better than you.β Needless to say, her husband wasnβt in a hurry to join her at church.)
Related: 6 Things to do when your spouse is not interested in spiritual intimacy
Women spell intimacy t-a-l-k and men spell intimacy s-e-x. [ii]
Ladies, if you want true intimacy with your husband, then sex has to be a part of your relationship. If you want your husband to feel loved and special, he needs to be physically intimate with you.
And guys, if you want true connection with your wife, spend time talking with her. Find out whatβs going on in her heart.
A friend once told me β after 2 abusive marriages β βIf I could get married without having to have sex, I would be happy.β But thatβs not how God designed marriage to be. He created sex. Created us to be one flesh β in a beautiful way.
Sex was designed to bond a man and a woman physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Enjoy this gift. Make time for it. Flirt, kiss, tease. Within marriage there should be no shame or guilt. If there is, explore the reasons why and find healing from any damage that may have occurred β whether from abuse or past relationships.
It wonβt take much to begin enjoying more intimacy in your marriage. Decide. Choose. Act. Your relationship deserves it.
Related: How to get comfortable talking about sex with your spouse
How do you play together as a couple? Has praying together brought you closer? How do you find/make time to talk? Is your physical relationship a blessing or a challenge?
[i] http://lacedwithgrace.com/5-benefits-praying-couple/comment-page-1/
[ii] Dr Gary & Barbara Rosberg, The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women, 6
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Nicoleen Kock | 28th Oct 20
Thank you so much for your posts. I really love them and find they always teach me something new that works. π I have been with my husband for 21 years and we have been married for 14 years, and we have a son that is 8 year old. But I find that even after 14 years we struggle to talk about being intimate and what it is that we really want. We did try to address this a few months ago but it seems we cannot find the correct way to do this. We are still intimate but I still feel we don’t know how to express our feelings and needs in this regards. Do you have any suggestions?
Jennifer Lovemore | 29th Oct 20
Nicoleen, thank you for sharing and asking this important question! Richard and I are working on a couple of videos on the topic of sex and one of them is specifically about how to talk about sex with your spouse. If you like you can subscribe to our YouTube channel and keep an eye out for those videos coming up in the next few weeks! Here’s the link to our channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk1mbabih7T5-cABRVKLzhg
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