How to Reignite the Passion in your Marriage

Do you want to reignite the passion in your marriage?

Is it really necessary to maintain the spark?

Definitely! Just because you’ve been married for 10, 15, 25, 35 years, doesn’t mean you can’t have chemistry in your relationship.

In fact, the state of your sexual intimacy indicates the state of your relationship.

Sex is the canary in the coal mine.

Let me explain.

Miners used to place a canary in a cage inside the mine to alert them of the presence of deadly gases. If the canary fell over dead, the miners knew to get out fast.

Similarly, if something is wrong in the bedroom, it likely means something is wrong elsewhere in the relationship.

You should take note of the state of your sexual intimacy.

Is it normal to lose passion in a marriage?

Yes. And no.

The passion felt at the beginning of a relationship is due to a rush of dopamine and oxytocin. These hormones and reward brain stimulators make you feel excited and happy to be around your spouse.

As time passes and the novelty wears off, these feelings wane. This is a completely natural part of falling in love, but it may leave you feeling “meh” about your spouse.

But, there’s good news! You can get the chemistry back in your relationship.

How to get the spark back in your marriage

Contrary to what the world depicts, passion in your marriage is not just about the physical act of sex.

Rekindling the passion requires spiritual, emotional, and physical connection. The reason why many people turn to pornography is because they skip the spiritual and emotional connection. Sex becomes all about the physical connection only, so they resort to “kinky” to bring the spice back.

But it doesn’t last.

The real solution is to connect on all three levels.

Spiritual connection

God created us to be spiritual beings, and when we connect with God and each other spiritually, it ignites a spark that is otherwise missing.

Here’s how to connect spiritually:

Related: 4 Ways to develop spiritual intimacy with your spouse

Emotional connection

A good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness. If you want to improve your physical relationship, work on your emotional connection.

Here’s how to do that:

  • Get rid of resentments. They build up over time and create distance between you and your spouse.  
  • Play together. Doing fun things together makes you feel young and in love and reignites the initial feelings you had for each other. Schedule time for fun activities if your lives are too busy.
  • Communicate. Share your hearts with each other, your dreams, your deepest thoughts. Reminisce about how you fell in love and your favourite memories together. Be a safe place for your spouse to share their heart with you.  
  • Look into each other’s eyes. For a full minute. (Just try it, ok? It has a very deep effect.)
  • Pursue activities together – a hobby, exercise, helping the down-and-out, giving Bible studies.  
  • Express appreciation for your spouse. Tell them what you appreciate about them. Write love notes or send text messages.

Related: 4 Ways to increase intimacy in your marriage

Physical connection

Pay attention to your physical connection – it’s easy to get into a routine and do the same thing all the time.

  • Kiss like you mean it. Be done with split-second, routine, boring kisses! Choose to put the passion back. Make time for kissing – don’t skip it so you can get to the “main event” – sex.
  • Touch. The bonding hormone oxytocin is released when you touch your spouse. Snuggle, hold hands, massage, give long hugs. Double the length of time you kiss, hug, and touch each other.

Scientists have discovered that oxytocin – a bonding hormone – is released during warm touch. This hormone is also released during orgasm.

  • Allow tension to build. Send flirty messages to each other during the day. Tell your spouse what you plan to do to them later. Engage in foreplay. Dr John Gottman says that everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.
  • Schedule time for sex. Set aside a couple of hours so that you have time to relax and enjoy each other.  
  • Talk about your sex life. Discuss what feels good and what doesn’t. Read a good book together and talk about it (see the list at the end of this post).
  • Do something different. Change your pattern. Be less predictable. Make love in another room, in a different position, outside on a blanket (provided you can’t be seen!)

Related: 8 Easy ways to help your husband become more romantic

Things that may be killing your passion

In his book, Kiss Me Like You Mean It, Dr. David Clarke shares some passion-killing mistakes couples make:

Mistake #1 Lack of atmosphere in the bedroom

A woman is affected by the details of her surroundings. Is it quiet? Is it private? Is it secure? Is it clean? Is it tidy? Does it smell nice? Is it warm?

Mistake #2 Lack of personal hygiene.

Make sure your body is clean for your spouse. The smell of an unwashed body can be very off-putting. Brush your teeth. Shower. Shave.

Mistake #3 Making love only in the bedroom.

Change things up and make love in another room, or try a different position. Get creative!

Mistake #4 It’s too quiet

If a woman fears being heard during sexual intercourse it will be very difficult for her to let go and enjoy the experience. Put a lock on the door and play some music to hide any noise.

Mistake #5 The husband is way too fast

Women take longer to get aroused than men. This is why foreplay is important.

Mistake #6 The wife is not responsive

A wife’s lack of response can be due to many factors – hormones, stress, exhaustion, resentment, physical discomfort, distraction (that to-do list!), a misunderstanding of her libido.

Find out how to improve your libido – I recommend Sheila’s Libido Course!

Advert for libido course

This is an affiliate link – which means I earn a little from it too.

You may also be interested in Sheila’s Orgasm Course for women and the Husband’s Edition – for those of you who struggle with orgasm and wonder what all the hype is about sex anyway, because it’s just not great for you.

(Again, these are both affiliate links – meaning I earn a little from them.)

Mistake #7 God is not invited

Most couples don’t see God as having any connection to their sexual lives. But the reality is that God created sex. It was His idea and He wants us to enjoy it.

“If we leave God out of the bedroom, we will never taste the full pleasure and meaning of sex.”[i]

Related: God in the Bedroom – Connecting God and sex

Mistake #8 Nobody hangs around

A common mistake couples make is jumping up right after sex, checking their phone, answering emails, seeing to the next thing on the to-do list, or rolling over and going to sleep.

They miss out on a vital component of sex – the afterglow. A woman’s arousal period is almost always considerably longer than a man’s, but the afterglow for her is slow and gradual too.

To leave her prematurely leaves her unfulfilled and he misses out on something special too because this is the time he connects best emotionally. This is the time to cuddle, talk, and relish the intimacy and closeness.

Related: How to get Comfortable Talking about Sex with your Spouse

Recommended books

  • The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex – Sheila Wray Gregoire
  • The Great Sex Rescue – Sheila Wray Gregoire
  • 31 Days to Great Sex – Sheila Wray Gregoire
  • The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women – Dr Gary & Barbara Rosberg
  • Kiss Me Like You Mean It – Dr David Clarke

You can rekindle the passion in your marriage. It may take some time and effort, but it is possible!

Have you lost the passion in your marriage? What are you going to do to get it back?

[i] Kiss Me Like You Mean It, 215, Dr David Clarke.

About The Author

Jennifer Lovemore

Jennifer has three grown kids and is married to her best friend, Richard. She started this website as a platform to help families, and specifically women, to take control of their lives and grow themselves spiritually, mentally & emotionally, and to discover their God-given purpose and live it out with confidence. She is a trained Life Coach and has diplomas in relationship counselling and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). She is a certified SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) facilitator. She lives in sunny South Africa.


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