I recently received an email from a man with this question:
“My wife complains that during sexual intimacy I don’t speak words that boost her desire much. I just repeat the usual words, “I love you”. It’s like I have a limited vocabulary. How can I include more variety in what I say to my wife and boost her desire?”
Great question! Let’s dive in and figure this out.
First, let me say that a woman’s sexual response is a little more complicated than a man’s. It’s not a switch that can be flipped and she’ll be ready to go.
There are two places you can make a difference for your wife:
Outside the bedroom and inside the bedroom.
A woman’s sexual responsiveness begins outside the bedroom, and depends largely on emotional connection. Give her appreciation, encouragement, and understanding. Touch her in non-sexual ways, help her around the house, and listen to her heart.
Oh, and don’t forget to flirt. (It’s totally ok in marriage!)
This may be challenging for you because it may be difficult to hear that she doesn’t want xyz. But the point is, if you want sex to be better for her then find out what works for her.
Compliment her body, her face, her hair. If she is overweight then choose to compliment her about the things that are beautiful. Telling her to lose weight or that she is overweight is sure to kill her desire.
Look deeply into her eyes and tell her you love her. She will feel connected to you. Maintaining eye contact for a few seconds or up to a minute will create a deep connection with her (try it!).
Communicating verbally lets your wife know you are mentally present. Describe what she means to you and how much you appreciate her.
Tell her that you are enjoying her body. Describe her body in beautiful ways.
Tell her you love her soft skin, her hair. Tell her how shapely she is and how you love the curves God gave her. Tell her you’d like to explore every part of her body. Tell her she smells good, tastes good, and feels good.
Tell her she brings you pleasure, and what she’s doing right.
Solomon did a good job of verbally affirming his bride in the Old Testament book Song of Solomon. Learn from him.
After sex, don’t roll over and go to sleep. Affirm and connect to your wife by staying close and cuddling. Be tender. Tell her how much you enjoy being married to her. Pray together.
She needs your verbal connection to bring closure.
This afterglow period is not just for her. It’s the time a man is most emotionally vulnerable, so allow yourself to connect emotionally with your wife.
To put it simply, the avenue to a woman’s sexual response is through her heart. Pursue her heart and she will respond to you.
What have I missed here? What works in your marriage? Let me know in the comments!