8 Ways to Boost your Wife’s Sexual Desire

I recently received an email from a man with this question:

“My wife complains that during sexual intimacy I don’t speak words that boost her desire much. I just repeat the usual words, “I love you”. It’s like I have a limited vocabulary. How can I include more variety in what I say to my wife and boost her desire?”

Great question! Let’s dive in and figure this out.

First, let me say that a woman’s sexual response is a little more complicated than a man’s. It’s not a switch that can be flipped and she’ll be ready to go.

Related: Is the Difference Between Male & Female Sexual Responsiveness Holding your Love-life Ransom?

There are two places you can make a difference for your wife:

Outside the bedroom and inside the bedroom.

How to create desire in a woman outside the bedroom

1. Improve the quality of your relationship

A woman’s sexual responsiveness begins outside the bedroom, and depends largely on emotional connection. Invest in her emotions.

  • Give her appreciation, encouragement, and understanding
  • Share the home burdens
  • Listen to her heart – make time to talk with her
  • Tell her you love her – every single day
  • Share the parenting burdens
  • Flirt with her
  • Leave her love notes
  • Bring her gifts or flowers (if that’s her love language)
  • Send her texts during the day to let her know you’re thinking about her

If you invest in her heart, her body will follow.

2. Touch her non-sexually

Men can tend to see touch as the precursor to sex. Wives need to know that not every touch is going to lead to the bedroom.

Hugs, shoulder rubs, and foot massages all let your wife know that you value her as a person, not just for her body.

3. Ask her what you can do better

This may be challenging for you because it may be difficult to hear that she doesn’t want xyz. But the point is, if you want sex to be better for her then find out what works for her.

Related: How to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex with your Spouse

How to create desire in a woman inside the bedroom

4. Focus on foreplay

It’s known that women take longer to get aroused than men, so it’s important to focus on your wife’s arousal in order to increase her sexual desire.

This means – don’t be in too much of a hurry! Slow it down. Enjoy the journey. Take time to explore her body and find out what arouses her. This will require vulnerability and communication.

5. Make her feel beautiful

Compliment her body, her face, her hair. If she is overweight then choose to compliment her about the things that are beautiful. Telling her to lose weight or that she is overweight is sure to kill her desire.

If a wife knows or believes that her husband is not attracted to her she will disconnect from him. And if she’s disconnected from him she will struggle to become aroused.

6. Make eye contact

Look deeply into her eyes and tell her you love her. She will feel connected to you. Maintaining eye contact for a few seconds or up to a minute will create a deep connection with her (try it!).

Related: How to Reignite the Passion in your Marriage

7. Verbally affirm her during sex

Communicating verbally lets your wife know you are mentally present. Describe what she means to you and how much you appreciate her.

  • Tell her that you are enjoying her body
  • Describe her body in beautiful ways
  • Tell her you love her soft skin, her hair
  • Tell her how shapely she is and how you love the curves God gave her
  • Tell her you’d like to explore every part of her body
  • Tell her she smells good, tastes good, and feels good
  • Tell her she brings you pleasure

Solomon did a good job of verbally affirming his bride in the Old Testament book Song of Solomon. Learn from him.

8. Stay close afterward

After sex, don’t roll over and go to sleep. Affirm and connect to your wife by staying close and cuddling. Be tender. Tell her how much you enjoy being married to her. Pray together.

She needs your verbal connection to bring closure.

This afterglow period is not just for her. It’s the time a man is most emotionally vulnerable, so allow yourself to connect emotionally with your wife.

To put it simply, the avenue to a woman’s sexual response is through her heart. Pursue her heart and she will respond to you.

Related: 8 Easy Ways to Help your Husband Become More Romantic

What have I missed here? What works in your marriage? Let me know in the comments!

About The Author

Jennifer Lovemore

Jennifer has three grown kids and is married to her best friend, Richard. She started this website as a platform to help families, and specifically women, to take control of their lives and grow themselves spiritually, mentally & emotionally, and to discover their God-given purpose and live it out with confidence. She is a trained Life Coach and has diplomas in relationship counselling and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). She is a certified SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) facilitator. She lives in sunny South Africa.


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  2. Mike E | 1st Mar 24

    I do all of these things. How often should I expect my partner to want to put effort into our relationship? She doesn’t seem to want to do the things she doesn’t want to do most of the time. I bring alot to the table it’s hard for me to not have some expectations including at least weekly sex. It’s getting frustrating.

    • Jennifer Lovemore | 4th Mar 24

      That’s a real challenge – I’m sorry! You are not alone! My husband would tell you that he used to have the same challenge with me. The beginning place is always to have a conversation about it. There are a multitude of reasons for lack of interest – past sexual abuse or faulty education about it, just too much on her mind, physical exhaustion, lack of arousal. The key is to get talking about it. Feel free to email me at lovemore@lovemoretolive.com to chat more or schedule a Zoom appointment. 2 Great books to read are The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and the Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her husband, Keith. I hope you are able to get this resolved soon!

  3. Ahmad A | 30th Mar 24

    Lovely read 🙂

    Took some notes.

    Any tips on how to gradually seduce my wife without her knowing it, being married for long and also being best friends. We always know when it’s going to happen or happening.
    I hope my question makes sense lol. U know that gradual innocent escalation towards that moment is not there (which I’m okay if it’s Normal, just looking for ways to spice things up)

    • Jennifer Lovemore | 24th May 24

      This is such a great question! I think the answer would vary for every couple since every woman enjoys different things, but if you tease a little then back off, slow kisses with no expectations, being playful etc – things like that build the heat. It’s not necessarily the relaxing things like a bubble-bath that get a woman in the mood, but things like exercise, watching a scary movie, or laughing together that can all build arousal without her even realising it.

      Do you have any other ideas? I think this could be a great topic for another post…

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