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The media has led women to believe that if we don’t function sexually like a man then there’s something wrong with us.
Movies portray women as always eager for sex and instantly aroused, and because we don’t experience sexuality that way, we may assume that we are just not attracted to our husbands or there is something wrong with us.
Women (and their husbands) need to learn how their sexuality works.
Note: I’m assuming that you are not in an abusive relationship or that one of you is having an affair and that there are no major troubles in your marriage such as pornography consumption.
Let’s take a look at how to increase your interest in sex.
Sex is not just for your husband. It’s for you too. Allow yourself to embrace it, enjoy it, and revel in it.
There is nothing cheap or low about enjoying pure sex within marriage. It is God’s gift to you both.
Sex has many benefits for you:
Instead of see sex as another chore, see it as a gift you give yourself as well as your husband.
One caveat: this doesn’t mean you can’t ever say no. Just that you can say “yes” more often!
For a woman, desire usually increases after arousal, not before. Most women initiate sex with their husbands because they want to feel close to them or to fix an argument, but only sometimes to fulfil a desire for sex.
So, here’s the good news: You don’t have to wait for arousal before you say “yes!” or initiate sex with your husband.
If arousal doesn’t happen for you, there may be a hormonal issue or there may be something else preventing you from “letting go” and enjoying sex with your husband.
When you view sex as essential to feeling connected with your husband it’ll be easier to adjust your schedule so that you can connect sexually.
You may need to:
As a woman you give of yourself a lot – to your kids, at work, to extended family, to friends, and your husband’s desire for intimacy may feel like just another demand on your body.
Make sure you have some time to catch up on yourself so that you can give to your man. After all, he is your most important person!
If that makes you uncomfortable, perhaps it’s time to rethink your view of sex. God created it. It is good. And if it’s not good then something got in the way of God’s plan for you.
Plan for it. Prepare yourself for it – shave, wear something that makes you feel attractive, send a flirty text to your husband during the day. Allow yourself to think about the beautiful, passionate times you’ve had together. Daydream about your husband.
This sounds like a contradiction to the previous point. It’s not meant to be.
You may think about sex but then think, “Well, maybe I better not send that flirty text because I don’t want to commit myself to something I might not feel like later”.
Or “Maybe it’s making myself cheap to initiate”.
Stop! Don’t persuade yourself out of being intimate with your husband. Sometimes it’s ok to stop thinking and just do. Your husband will be delighted. J
Abuse, wrong thinking (sex is dirty), it’s too painful, and other issues all impact your sexual experience negatively.
God designed sex to be an important part of marriage. It should not be happening once every few months. This is often the case because of past abuse, guilt from promiscuous behaviour before marriage, or medical issues.
Take ownership of your issues and get help – go for counselling, get medical help, talk. Your relationship is suffering because both of you have sex needs that are not being met.
Related: How to talk to your spouse about sex
Sex, for women, is mostly in our minds and has a lot to do with emotional connection. If you are focusing on all the negative things about your husband then you will be less attracted to him.
Make a list of things you appreciate about your husband and read it every day. Start looking for the good in him. Thank him for the things he does for you. Your feelings will follow your thoughts.
Learn to give even when you don’t feel like it. It’s ok to put aside your own needs at times and meet those of your husband.
Note: if this is a pattern in your relationship, then there is a problem. There should be reciprocity – a giving and taking from both sides.
Taking care of your body will allow it to function in a healthy way sexually.
When you feel more attractive you are likely to be more interested in sex.
Instead of focusing on the parts of your body that are less than model-like, focus on the parts you like.
See your body as God sees it – an amazing creation that can do incredible things. Start thanking God for your body.
Accept your lumps and bumps and learn to dress in a way that flatters your body shape.
If you are feeling disconnected tell him you need some time to talk. Invite him to go for a walk with you or arrange a date where you can have some connection time.
Communicate your needs. Men are not mind-readers. Your husband may have no clue what you are needing from him.
Contrary to popular belief, a woman’s arousal is not so much connected to relaxing and taking a long hot bath, as to stimulating things like exercise, laughing and teasing, playfulness, or even watching a scary movie.
You may feel aroused without even realising it.
Instead of taking a long hot shower, how about a pillow fight, tickling session, or exercising together?
God created sex in marriage to be a bonding, connecting experience designed to bring pleasure to both husband and wife.
If this post has resonated with you here’s one great thing you can do:
Check out Sheila Wray Gregoire’s Boost Your Libido Course. Do yourself and your husband a favour and invest in this area of your marriage.
This 10 part video course deals with all the issues involved in libido. The worksheets will help you to actively think and work through the lies and challenges you face in this area. It may well set you free from wrong thinking that has held you back for years!
Think how great it would be to understand your body and embrace your sexuality!
How does your thinking about sex need to change? What can you do to rev up your libido?